Day 364: Try one of these sexual positions.Posted: December 30, 2011
The sexual positions in question are illustrated in the Book with those wooden models artists use, and are rated in terms of difficulty, like ski slopes. Naturally, today’s task required a conversation with my wife:
Me: So, today’s task is to try one of these sexual positions. I was thinking we could try [REDACTED]?
Wife: We’ve tried that before, and it didn’t work.
Me: Well, what about [REDACTED]?
Wife: You’re not flexible enough to do that, remember?
Me: You don’t have to be mean about it.
Wife: I’m not being mean; you’re just not flexible. You’re like the Tin Man, before he gets oiled.
Me: [pause, trying to decide if I should make an inappropriate comment about ‘getting oiled’]
Wife: [knowing look, slight discouraging nod]
Me: Alright. There’s always [REDACTED]…
Wife: Absolutely not. Not even if I was drunk. Not even if I was so drunk I’d passed out.
Me: Look, the Book says we have to do this, so we have to do it. We have no choice in the matter!
Wife: What about [blank] and [blank] and [blank]? You didn’t do those.
Me: [sheepish pause] …this is different.
Wife: Because it involves you getting laid?
Me: Look, it’s the penultimate task. Sure, I skipped a bunch in the middle, but…
Wife: Fine. What about [REDACTED]?
Me: Yeah, that’s a possibility. We’d have to go buy some rope, a gallon of orange juice, and a monkey wrench, but——
Wife: [interrupting] I was kidding.
Me: [embarrassed pause] …oh.
Wife: I’m going to bed. Have fun with this one.