Day 125: Take your horoscope seriously today.

The first thing to do, obviously, was locate my horoscope.

I had no idea how to do this. I started by googling “libra horoscope,” which returned something like six million results. Among the top ten, though, were and – which seemed, if not reputable, at least the sort of thing I needed.

So gave me this: “Your inner self needs to make itself heard. That could mean anything from a quick call to your shrink to an epic session with your journal, but you need to do it soon. Your good energy is perfect for expression.”

…and gave me this: “You may be thinking about pursuing a new course of study that isn’t related to your career. Even if you have many choices before you, it’s logistically impossible to follow more than one path. Thankfully, the Moon’s harmonious trine to Saturn in your sign today can give you the clarity you need in order to make the smartest decision. After considering all your options, trust your intuition, pick your direction and get going.”

I wanted a third opinion, so I consulted the horoscope printed in my local newspaper (although I looked it up online, because who still gets their news in hardcopy?): “Stick to your objectives and complete what’s required of you. Make positive changes that will enhance your relationship with someone who can make a difference to your life personally and financially. Love is highlighted.”

Part of the reason I’ve never taken horoscopes seriously – aside from the ‘total bullshit’ part – is that they always seem to be about doing something: career this, education that, relationship the other thing. Doing things is not my thing, though: or, well, doing productive, responsible things is not my thing. If my horoscope always told me to have an extra espresso in the morning, and a glass or three of wine with lunch, and to take a nap at my desk, and to read a good book instead of working – well, then, I’d be all over that shit.

But that’s not what they say. Horoscopes are written for people who want to feel like they’re doing something productive or important – not for people who are actually doing something productive or important, because those people don’t have time to screw around with the sort of insipid bullshit that horoscopes are made out of – and I’m neither productive nor someone who wants to be productive, so I have no use for the things.


What I got from my horoscopes for today – listen to your inner self, “trust your intuition,” “stick to your objectives” – was this: “do whatever the fuck you want.” That’s what I do anyway, mostly. Today it involved going to Six Flags with Elanor, and shaming her into riding the roller coasters she didn’t want to ride, because I’m the best dad ever.

I only had to pry her off a guardrail and forcibly put her onto a coaster once, and nobody called security. It was a good day.


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