Day 115: Above the law day.

The Book provides an “Above the law” pass for today, which I’m supposed to use to violate the law of my choice.

Before I could decide on what law to break, though, I had to decide what category of law the individual law should come from. Probably the Book had civil or criminal law in mind: shoplifting (there actually is a shoplifting day later in the year), urinating in public, tax fraud, speeding (which I do anyway), &c. I have a strict don’t-get-arrested-or-fined policy, though, and choosing a law which the breaking of might get me arrested or fined violates that policy, so I didn’t choose one of those.

There are ethical and moral laws that I could violate violate all the time. The problem here is one of authority. For example: Mormons don’t drink coffee, but I’m not a Mormon, and so my drinking coffee doesn’t break that law. This is a problem because my personal ethical and moral code doesn’t prohibit any of the things that I like to do, and so I’d have to do something I find distasteful in order to violate it – which is not the case with civil/criminal laws (I like pissing outside, dammit).

I wanted a challenge. I wanted to violate a natural law, a fundamental principle of the universe: I wanted to keep a fixed quantity of an ideal gas at a constant pressure while increasing the volume; I wanted to change the speed of light; I wanted to make dU not equal to δS minus δW; I wanted to know the position and momentum of a subatomic particle, at the same time.

I eventually decided to be in two places at once – which is totally impossible, you guys. So, while my father and I wrestled my old, leaky hot water heater out of its place, and wrangled my new, bigger-but-not-as-heavy-because-the-old-one-was-inexplicably-still-full-of-water hot water heater into the recently vacated place where such things go —— I was also getting shit-faced (at four in the morning!) in Moscow. The real one, the one in Russia, not any of these other Moscows. If you don’t believe me, well, you’re wrong this time.

You may wonder how I managed to pull this off, seeing as being in two places at once is against the law. Well, let me tell you: Nature tried to stop me. Told me I was violating the laws of physics. So I showed Nature my “break any law you want” card, told her to fuck off, and went on my ways.

Karma caught up with me, though: I realized after Lowe’s had closed that I was going to have to replace a hose I hadn’t counted on replacing. I should’ve known I was going to have to replace it; if I hadn’t been getting really drunk halfway around the world at the same time, I think I might have noticed. But I didn’t, and I get to go back to Lowe’s in the morning – four trips and $500, all told, to replace the damned hot water heater – and tonight is one more night we don’t have hot water.

I’m glad I took that shower in Russia.


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