Day 99: Experience Christ’s plight for yourself…

…by constructing a cross out of two-by-fours and taping yourself to it.

I totally did this. Sort of. And not today, but years ago …holy shit, more that a decade ago. Anyway: when I was younger and more reckless, I saw one of those dudes who was walking across the country with a cross on a wheel. Do people still do that? I don’t know, but people do still re-enact the crucifixion on Good Friday, here in Sherman-by-God-Texas. Why they do it, I don’t know: does seeing some dude who isn’t Jesus hanging on a cross – and not dying, to boot – convince people to become Christians? If not, why do it? Is it fun, like autoerotic asphyxiation? Which kills people, by the way, so I’d recommend avoiding it.

Where was I? Right: dude with the cross on wheels. I was out for a drive somewhere, saw the dude walking down the road. Asked the dude if he wanted a ride.

“No,” says the dude.

Really, I says to him? It’s hot. You’re in the middle of nowhere. You have no water.

“I’m punishing myself for your sins, like Jesus would have.”

What? Seriously, dude, it’s hot. Let me give you a ride into town, get you some water.

“I’m walking in the heat, with no water, to punish myself for your sins, like Jesus would have.”

Alright, fuck this. How is some dude walking in the heat like an idiot with a cross on a wheel going to have any affect on my “sins”? It’s not, that’s how. So I pulled the car over, knocked the guy down, took the cross, put it in my trunk – thank God Ford for backseats that fold down – and drove off. Dumped the cross in a creek in the next county. Never saw the dude again.


Yeah, okay, so that didn’t really happen. I’m an asshole, but I’m not that big an asshole. And, as my friends like to point out, this Book is about weaseling out of all the tasks, rather than actually doing them – and today’s task is no exception.

I did eat a fucking stick, though: that has to count for something.


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