Day 95: Learn how to recognize the aliens among us.

Dead eyes. Closed mouth. Flaring nostrils. Kill them with axes and fire.

I’ve been ready for this for nearly two decades, ever since I first played Bart vs. the Space Mutants on my NES. That was skateboards and spray paint, not axes and fire, sure, and I don’t have the mutant-identifying-xray-glasses-“borrowed”-from-movie-They-Live, but still: I’m ready to kill me some aliens.

Where to find them, though? I’m glad you asked. Four days a week, I find myself surrounded by people who fit the above description – who look as though all their higher brain functions have ceased – who look one poke-with-a-sharp-stick away from trying to rip my esophagus from my throat in blind animal fury.

No, not my students, though that’s a good guess. No: all those people who, like me, commute by train in Dallas.

Now, before any of you get alarmed, I’m not – really, I’m not – going to start hacking my fellow commuters down indiscriminately. That would be irresponsible, I know that, and I’m not so axe-happy I can’t restrain myself. I can keep my shit together – I’m no Hudson.

Before I axe any of my fellow commuters, I will perform a rigorous series of tests to make sure that the passenger in question is, in fact, an extraterrestrial, and not just someone who hasn’t had enough coffee yet. Then – and only then – will I axe the alien. I feel confident this will not in any way alarm the other passengers – the human ones, anyway. If I axe-up an alien, and other passengers start freaking out, I think it’s safe to assume that they are also aliens – and so I can axe anyone who’s panicking without going through the lengthy interview process mentioned above. Right?


Maybe I shouldn’t take my axe with me to campus tomorrow, then…


2 Comments on “Day 95: Learn how to recognize the aliens among us.”

  1. justin says:

    NO!!!. Why kill something you don’t even know. The media is to blame for that reaction.

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