Day 95: Learn how to recognize the aliens among us.Posted: April 5, 2011
Dead eyes. Closed mouth. Flaring nostrils. Kill them with axes and fire.
I’ve been ready for this for nearly two decades, ever since I first played Bart vs. the Space Mutants on my NES. That was skateboards and spray paint, not axes and fire, sure, and I don’t have the mutant-identifying-xray-glasses-“borrowed”-from-movie-They-Live, but still: I’m ready to kill me some aliens.
Where to find them, though? I’m glad you asked. Four days a week, I find myself surrounded by people who fit the above description – who look as though all their higher brain functions have ceased – who look one poke-with-a-sharp-stick away from trying to rip my esophagus from my throat in blind animal fury.
No, not my students, though that’s a good guess. No: all those people who, like me, commute by train in Dallas.
Now, before any of you get alarmed, I’m not – really, I’m not – going to start hacking my fellow commuters down indiscriminately. That would be irresponsible, I know that, and I’m not so axe-happy I can’t restrain myself. I can keep my shit together – I’m no Hudson.
Before I axe any of my fellow commuters, I will perform a rigorous series of tests to make sure that the passenger in question is, in fact, an extraterrestrial, and not just someone who hasn’t had enough coffee yet. Then – and only then – will I axe the alien. I feel confident this will not in any way alarm the other passengers – the human ones, anyway. If I axe-up an alien, and other passengers start freaking out, I think it’s safe to assume that they are also aliens – and so I can axe anyone who’s panicking without going through the lengthy interview process mentioned above. Right?
Maybe I shouldn’t take my axe with me to campus tomorrow, then…