Day 91: Invent a new way of peeling potatoes.Posted: April 1, 2011
Look, there is no situation in which it is necessary to peel a potato. Mashed potatoes? Better with the peel on. Potatoes in stew? Better with the peel on. French fries (or chips, for my European or Europhile readers)? Better with the peel on. Hash-browned potatoes? Better with the peel on. Potato pancakes? Better with the peel on. Vodka? Better with the peel on.
You can disagree with me. Some people don’t like the peel on a potato. Those people are wrong, of course, and morally suspect, but they do exist. Hell, maybe you’re one of them – although let’s pretend you aren’t, so I don’t have to hold back in this post, because I’m going to have to use some harsh words. Harsher than usual, even.
Why should I make it easier for those degenerate potato-peelers to engage in a behavior I find perverse and offensive? Wait, scratch that “I find” – peeling potatoes is objectively, universally, at all times and in all places perverse and offensive. Peeling potatoes is a sign of moral decay and poor personal hygiene habits.
Baby Jesus cries when you peel potatoes. Every time someone peels a potato, a kitten dies. The Roman Empire fell because everyone was too busy peeling potatoes to fight off the barbarian hordes. And so on.
It’s not like peeling potatoes is that hard. It’s harder than not peeling them in the first place, sure, but it’s about as difficult as dicing an onion or trimming the fat off a piece of steak or peeling shrimp or scrambling eggs. If you’re too lazy to peel a few potatoes, you should either get the fuck over it or get someone else to do your cooking for you.
Just don’t peel your potatoes. Ever. It’s as simple as that. You’ll save a bit of time, a bit of effort, we can still be friends (if you want, I mean – we don’t have to be), and you won’t have to be exiled from society. If you persist in peeling your potatoes, though, I don’t know what’s going to happen to you.
Worst-case scenario? A gang of rogue potatoes will peel you.