Day 74: Express your views today.

Holy flying fish fuckers, seriously? “Express my views?” Views about what? And why?

Look, I have no views. No opinions whatsoever. I have nothing to express, to anyone, about anything, for any reason, ever. I am completely neutral. I’m so neutral I make Switzerland look like the opinionated blowhard uncle nobody wants to sit next to at Thanksgiving. I would make a joke about how I’m more neutral than neutrons, but, honestly, I don’t understand neutrons enough to pull it off.

Obviously that’s not true. About having no views, I mean – I really couldn’t come up with an “I’m more neutral than a neutron” joke. I have lots of views, but I prefer not to express them – especially on the internet. There’s not much in the way of context, there’s no room for nuance, and text is completely toneless: irony, sarcasm, mock-seriousness, actual seriousness – they all sound the same on the internet.

You want some views? No, you don’t, not really, but here they are anyway. And they’re all steaming piles of horse-shit.

  • “A book should be constructed like a watch and sold like a sausage.”
  • “The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown.”
  • “Nature violates its own kingdoms! Kings shave themselves!”
  • “I should to Plashy too, but time will not permit.”
  • “A sandwich can kill you.”
  • “Eventually technology will reach the point where this conversation makes perfect sense.”
  • “I just threw some bassoon on this muthafucka.”
  • “Who is the best at space? Riker.”
  • “I gave no shits, because I’m dead.”
  • “Obviously a strongly elongated penis is the solution.”
  • “Saturation Matching.”

See? Expressing your views is a complete waste of everyone’s time, and nobody should do it. Ever. Under any circumstances. I think my list proves that.

This is a picture of squirrels fighting; your opinions are invalid.

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One Comment on “Day 74: Express your views today.”

  1. The Wife says:

    Funny, but I have noticed your careful (completely overt) avoidance of this task. You are by far a more passionately opinionated person than you’d like any of us to know (sorry I’m ratting you out). I understand avoiding pointless confrontation on the Internet. But confrontation can be productive. Plus, you’ve had plenty of opinions in other posts, and nothing blew up (‘nothing is fucked, Dude’). I think this comment is now pointless; I’m sending it anyway. Do what you will.


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