Day 74: Express your views today.Posted: March 15, 2011
Holy flying fish fuckers, seriously? “Express my views?” Views about what? And why?
Look, I have no views. No opinions whatsoever. I have nothing to express, to anyone, about anything, for any reason, ever. I am completely neutral. I’m so neutral I make Switzerland look like the opinionated blowhard uncle nobody wants to sit next to at Thanksgiving. I would make a joke about how I’m more neutral than neutrons, but, honestly, I don’t understand neutrons enough to pull it off.
Obviously that’s not true. About having no views, I mean – I really couldn’t come up with an “I’m more neutral than a neutron” joke. I have lots of views, but I prefer not to express them – especially on the internet. There’s not much in the way of context, there’s no room for nuance, and text is completely toneless: irony, sarcasm, mock-seriousness, actual seriousness – they all sound the same on the internet.
You want some views? No, you don’t, not really, but here they are anyway. And they’re all steaming piles of horse-shit.
- “A book should be constructed like a watch and sold like a sausage.”
- “The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown.”
- “Nature violates its own kingdoms! Kings shave themselves!”
- “I should to Plashy too, but time will not permit.”
- “A sandwich can kill you.”
- “Eventually technology will reach the point where this conversation makes perfect sense.”
- “I just threw some bassoon on this muthafucka.”
- “Who is the best at space? Riker.”
- “I gave no shits, because I’m dead.”
- “Obviously a strongly elongated penis is the solution.”
- “Saturation Matching.”
See? Expressing your views is a complete waste of everyone’s time, and nobody should do it. Ever. Under any circumstances. I think my list proves that.
This is a picture of squirrels fighting; your opinions are invalid.