Day 56: ROCK AND ROLL!!!

“Today, live the Heavy Metal lifestyle at its most decadent.”

The Book provides a helpful schedule, which begins with waking up at four in the afternoon – “to the gentle bobbing motion of fellatio from some nameless groupie” – and proceeds from there to drugs, sex, more drugs, hospitals, prisons, mayhem, and chaos, and ends at eleven in the morning, with “restorative sleep in the tour van” – a solid five hours, as the whole mess starts over at four the next afternoon.

Holy shit, people. I’m not capable of partying that hearty, even if I had the inclination and the means.

Look. I woke up at seven this morning. I made coffee, and I put neither Jack Daniels nor cocaine into it. I had breakfast with my kids. I drove in to campus, I taught my students, I went to the grocery store, I took Ella to soccer practice. We met Lorna for dinner with my parents. I read to Elanor, I took a shower, I wrote a blog post – and I’m fucking exhausted.

I go out for drinks occasionally, but I’m usually ready to call it a night well before the bars close. I don’t have the constitution for all-night carousing. If I tried this “heavy metal lifestyle” thing seriously, I’d probably be dead before nightfall.

Honestly, I don’t know how people manage to live like that – I guess the constant consumption of stimulants helps – and it doesn’t at all sound like fun. Maybe I’m just a grumpy old man in a grumpy young man’s body; maybe I don’t know how to have fun. Certainly I’m not cut out to be a rock star.

It would be nice to get a decent amount of sleep occasionally, though.


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