Day 29: Dial a phone number at random…Posted: January 29, 2011
…and read this script with a Deep South accent.
“You know, without Christ, without Jesus, we have no hope. Why? Well, because we know that the standard of God’s righteousness is Law, a law of the Ten Commandments, a law of statutes and judgments. And which God gave unto Moses on Sinai, saying this is thy righteousness, O Israel.”
I was never the sort of kid who made prank phone calls, so calling a random stranger and reading something that’s not really that funny wasn’t particularly appealing (not that asparagus pee day was that appealing, either) – and it was even less appealing when I considered that I was more likely than not to reach a cell phone, which would mean the random stranger would then have my phone number. I could have avoided this by finding a payphone, I suppose, but I’m not sure those things still exist…
At any rate, I decided it would be more fun to call someone I know – and that it would be the most fun to call my friend Nathan (who happens to be a deacon, just for the record).
I wasn’t able to get out much more than “Sir, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus” before Nathan interrupted me. He wanted to know who this Jesus person was: I said Jesus gave us hope. Like financial security for the future? No, I said, Jesus wants us to be poor. Really? Yes, really. The hope he gives is about saving us from Hell, I said. Hell? What’s that? Fire, I said, everlasting fire. Oh! I’ve heard of that! It’s underground, right? Like sewers, with methane gas in them? Jesus is some sort of plumber? No, I said, Jesus is more like a firefighter than a plumber – but a spiritual firefighter, with a spiritual hose, and spiritual water to spray us with.
“That sounds like a porno,” Nathan said, and I could no longer hold my shit together.
The Pope was not amused.